OK, so I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed today. In the end, I know that it is a lesson learned. I HAVE TO take better care of myself.
I went back to the dentist today to get my crown put on. Over the last month, I have been 3 times now. One of my teeth broke off around Easter time and I knew with a gut wrenching dig in the pit of my stomach that I would have to make a trip to the dentist. Because I had acquired such a high level of anxiety when going to the dentist, my last visit they ended up having to put me to sleep to get the dental work done.
When the tooth broke I instantly went into utter panic mode. For 2 reasons. Because I don't have benefits through my job I knew that I would have to come up with this money from somewhere. The second reason, maybe part superficial and part lack of self confidence. I have been told my entire life that I had a million dollar smile. What if I couldn't afford to get the tooth fixed? It was in a place where to me at least it was very noticeable and I did not want to carry on with day to day stuff with a gap in my teeth. I have become so self conscious about my body that I was afraid the last thing that people thought was pretty on me was my smile. If that went, what would I have left? With a clear head I know that I was being ridiculous but we all have times where our emotions take over and although they may not make sense to anyone else, to us at that moment of despair they make total sense.
After meeting with him the first time, I quickly realized that yes this was going to cost me quite alot of money but the dentist was willing to set up a payment plan for me. With bi-weekly payments I would be able to get the root canal and crown done as well as a bunch of other work that needed to be done because it has been so long since that I had been to the dentist. After today's visit, my total is sitting at about $2700. I consider myself very lucky in that I was able to find a wonderful dentist who is willing to do all of this work for me and let me pay what I can every other week.
Who knew that a little laughing gas was all I needed to get through a dental visit?
Again, this is another example of how I let things go , not taking care of myself thinking that it just wasn't important enough. That I wasn't important enough to put my own thoughts and fears aside and go in to get the job done.
For so long, I have followed my own version of the lock down method because it was much easier to stay in what is comfortable, then go out in the world and face the many challenges that come your way. I thought is was safe and nothing could hurt me but in reality I was hurting myself. I locked myself away from the world and to take the baby steps out to start to make the changes that I need to survive it has made it absolutely terrifying. Unfortunately, habits like the ones I have picked up over the years aren't easy to let go of. They tend to leach on and will hold on with every ounce of their fibre, and the more you fight the more they try to hang on. But eventually, they weaken and then one day you realize that they have fallen off for good. This is my hope. My goal. I want the closed off, overweight fearful woman that I am to become one that is healthy, fit, enjoys life and looks challenges in the face, gives it the finger and says 'show me what you got'.
As for my detox I am still going strong with that. I am on Day 5 and am down 4 lbs and can notice a difference in how I feel. I am a little more awake in the morning when I get up and I haven't needed to have a nap when I get home from work. I really do feel a little better. Just 2 more days of this cleanse and then I am back to regular meals. I have some good ideas on how I will implement what I have learned from this week into my future planning of meals. I feel optimistic about this and really believe that this is something that I can do!
Thanks for tuning in again kids!
Until next time....
Misty
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment