I WIN!

Hello gang,

Sorry I’ve been away for so long.  We all have those times where life is busy and hectic and before we know it, two months have up and gone by.  But I’m here now and that is all that really matters!  I hope everyone has had a wonderful start to their 2012!  It has been quite an eye opener for me!  Some great things have manifested within my heart and I can’t wait to share them with you!

Learning of the death of someone who painfully affected my childhood has made me see things so differently.  I have strived to have that sense of power and control, for happiness and fulfillment for so long.  When I thought I had it, something would happen and I would be sadly shown that I was wrong.  But now, I can really feel it inside me.  I know that it is not  at full force, but I can physically feel something is there and it’s growing.  Although I still sense doubt at times within my soul about what I can and what I can’t do, I am starting to feel empowered, thinking, I just might be able to do.  I outlived someone who has never really left my thoughts or my nightmares, who I thought would be there to haunt me until the day I died.  But no.  I beat him!  I beat him! I beat him!

My  self-doubt has in a way been my comfort zone.  When something scares me, I can so easily retreat back within myself, locking me up good and tight until the coast seems clear enough for me to reach out ever so slowly and let me toes test the water again.  Who wants to live like that? That’s not a way to live your life.  I know this, but as we all have felt in the past, knowing and doing are two completely different things.  I know that I need to love myself.  I know that I need to not eat that piece of chocolate.  I know that I need to be healthy, work out and be active.  I know all of this. 

The biggest A-Ha moment for me this year so far is that I paint myself with the wrong brush.  Two brushes to be exact.   This was something that came up when my mother and I were having a chat. And it is so true!  It clicked as soon as she said it.  When it comes to my career and getting to be where I deserve, going for what I want and taking risks, I’ll do it.  No holds barred.  I work hard, I have been given some wonderful opportunities lately and I am grateful for them.  I know that I can do an amazing job and I will do whatever it takes to get in the position I want.  My brush is strong, fierce  and paints beautiful colors from top to bottom of the person I am when I step into the doors of my office.   When it comes to my personal life? I must have unconsciously put away that strong handled, assertive brush with all the pretty colors and replace it for a soft, flimsy, old tired brush with nothing but blacks and whites to paint myself in.  Why can’t I use the same vibrant colors in my work life in my personal life? It’s like I’m two different people.  Well, it’s simple.  I didn’t love myself.  I tried so hard, I really did.  But I still carried around the shame and disgust with myself that I did when I was 8 years old.  Even after forgiving him for what he did, I still held on to the blame that a child puts on themselves when they are violated.  When I heard the news that this man had died, I literally felt an enormous weight life off my shoulders.  It felt like I was holding my breath, gasping for air and all of a sudden I could breath in the most luxurious breathe of my life.  That breath changed my thinking almost instantly.

 We all have read books written by some amazing people  and heard Oprah talk about loving yourself.  We all are quick to think, ‘Do I love me?’ only to answer with an easy, off the shoulder, ‘Of course I do’.  But do you really?  Do you really love yourself through your successes and failures?  It can be tough can’t it?  At least it was me.  Now, I am loving all of the gorgeous colors I’m seeing.  Even some colors I have never seen before are appearing, and its fabulous!!

Too much time has passed where I have let others interfere with my journey.  I want to be more than happy.  Happy isn’t even good enough.  I want to be satisfied.  I want to feel satisfaction and fulfillment when I look at myself in the mirror!  The days of cursing myself out while I looked at my reflection in the mirror are gone.  I know I deserve more and now I really feel like it’s happening.  It’s been a struggle and I still am on my journey but I am so pleased that I have this chance to pick up and keep right on going!  I’m very lucky.

My wonderful and amazing friend Sabrina who happens to be one of my oldest friends, wants us to do a 5K walk/run.  At first, I instinctively was against it.  Remember, running the other way in the face of fear…right here, that’s was me!! But after I relaxed myself and really thought about it, I think that this is something I could really do.  Obviously I would walk it.  I am so far from being healthy that walking would be my only option.  But, who cares.  At least I would do it right?  I think I just might say YES!

I recently watch an episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter where she was with Tony Robbins.  One of the segments was Tony and his entire audience, walking over to a parking lot to do a fire walk over some red hot coals.  Crazy right?  Yah, but absolutely amazing!!  Of course our Lady O did it and I can only imagine the freedom she felt when she did it!  I have now added Fire Walking to my Bucket List! 

…..fire walking is a metaphor for overcoming fear.  Tweeted to me be Oprah herself.  LOL I was tickled pink, let me tell you!!

On to new and brighter things my friends!  I hope you will join me on truly living a life that portrays the authentic you!  We can do this together.  Sometimes it’s just knowing that others are there to steady you when you wobble that makes all the difference in the world.  If you need it, I can be that person for you.  We know it’s never easy, what fun would that be? Achieving peace and finally reaching the true you inside is the journey.  Along the way there are hurdles big and small, scary obstacles and maybe a treacherous path but with each battle you win, you gain another ounce of strength to keep moving you forward.  Let’s do this! 

Until we meet again, do something with me.  Instead of automatically jumping to the negative in whatever situation you are faced with.  Stop, breathe.  And before going down the dark path, just think of the positive light that could come of it.  You just never know!

Thanks guys and gals,

Take it easy!

Misty

xo

Life Lessons

Life lessons are all around us.  If we can be perceptive enough to pick up on the subtle pokes they give us, we can learn more and more about ourselves with each passing year.  I don;t know about any of you, but the person I am today is not the person I was this time last year or 5 years ago.We change with the times and if we are truly tuned in to our inner self we can pick up even the slightest of twitches.

Oprah's Lifeclass started last week.  Each week night we can tune in to her program and let one of the greatest teachers teach us. I excitedly awaited each episode with notebook in hand waiting to hear what the latest lesson was going to I made a be and what I could get out of it.  After all, that is what lessons are all about right?  Soaking in what we learn and being able to apply it to our lives. 

The first 2 episodes were about the false power of ego and letting go of anger leading to forgiveness.  How many of us can relate to those?  Something that someone said on that first episode really resonated with me. 

'I don't think anyone can hurt my anymore.  They are only giving me their observation.  I am giving it meaning.'

I can't even say how much this is so me!  I am forever letting other peoples thoughts and opinions affect me in my life.  I have always let these words that spew out of someones mouth dictate how I can going to feel.  I don;t have to like what someone says or even agree with it.  That is there observation.  they are entitled to it just as I am entitled to my own.  When I give meaning to a comment someone says, I am in reality giving them power.  Literally handing them my own power.  I made a promise to myself a long time ago.  I will never let any person have power over me again, ever!  My own lessons learned through having the kind of father I had and living through the childhood I did.  No one was to have that kind of power over me again.  Without even realizing it, I broke my own promise to myself.  Because letting something as insignificant to my own reality as someones opinions get under my skin was just as damaging as letting an over-baring man take away my goodness and innocence.  I have re-made that promise to myself and I am going to do my best to stick to it and not let the words of others bother me again.

This lead to anger and forgiveness.

'Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.'

I 100% believe that to forgive is for you, not for the person that needs to be forgiven.  Holding on to that anger and hatred for someone or events that took place will never let you move on fully.  To forgive is not saying what happened to you is ok.  To forgive is not giving the person or persons who hurt you off with a slap on the hand.  To be the person who is in a place that you can forgive is saying that you are accepting what happened to you, you know that it can never be changed and you are strong enough to move on and move past it.  It took me awhile to get to a place where I can say I have forgiven.  It doesn't mean that I still don't.  That won;t go away entirely.  But I can say that I have moved on, accepted and don't look back wishing I can change it.
I have forgiven the neighbour who sexually abused me for 3 years.  He took away my innocence, my trust and in place of them gave me many years of self doubt and worthlessness.  By forgiving, I'm not saying it's ok, I'm saying I have moved beyond that point and I'm ok.
I have forgiven my father.  For not being there for me, for turning his back on me when I was at my most vulnerable.  By forgiving him, I'm not saying 'I want you in my life', I'm saying I have moved beyond that point and I don't need that negative influence to succeed in my future.  It still hurts knowing that my own father doesn't love me enough to want me in his life.  That hurts very much.  However, that doesn't define me.  Not anymore.  And I'm ok!

This week, I also learned that you become what you believe.  We need to pay attention to the life that we have right now.  Believe that there is a reason why we are here, now, in this moment. 

'If you can see it or believe it, it is alot easier to achieve it.'

Do you believe that you are worthy of happiness?  I know this can be a tough one for many of us.  Believing that you deserve all of your wildest dreams to come true can seem like wishful thinking, but just knowing that you deserve it is leaps and bounds better then telling yourself it will never happen, not for someone like me.  Because you know what?  I can happen!  To find your true purpose, pay attention to the life that you are leading now.  Know that you are worthy.  You allow  the truth of yourself to express yourself.  If you are a write, whether 15 people or 15 million people read what you wrote, you are a writer. 

'Shadow beliefs are holding you back from the life you deserve.  Escavate and unleash what you really believe.  If its not working for you, change it.' ~ Oprah's Lifeclass

I encourage everyone to tune in to OWN and watch Oprah's Lifeclass.  I promise that there will be at least on episode that you will be able to match to your own life and allow it to have an everlasting impact.  From what I understand, Fridays episodes that they are calling Joy Uprising will be just that.  She will go back and reminisce over previous guests and what moments really and truly were cause for a joy uprising!  For sure a feel good hour, bringing a familiar tear of gladness and joy.  I mean, honestly, just seeing my Lady O back on tv everyday is enough to bring a woot woot of joy and hours upon hours of the happy dance around my apartment.  But even more then that, to again learn from one of my most trusted teachers of life, I am inspired, in awe and in appreciation once again.  Yeah, I'm kind of a fan if you didn't know yet!

Hope you all enjoyed my latest thoughts.  Thanks for tuning in again guys and gals!

Misty

xo