Hello gang,
Sorry I’ve been away for so long. We all have those times where life is busy and hectic and before we know it, two months have up and gone by. But I’m here now and that is all that really matters! I hope everyone has had a wonderful start to their 2012! It has been quite an eye opener for me! Some great things have manifested within my heart and I can’t wait to share them with you!
Learning of the death of someone who painfully affected my childhood has made me see things so differently. I have strived to have that sense of power and control, for happiness and fulfillment for so long. When I thought I had it, something would happen and I would be sadly shown that I was wrong. But now, I can really feel it inside me. I know that it is not at full force, but I can physically feel something is there and it’s growing. Although I still sense doubt at times within my soul about what I can and what I can’t do, I am starting to feel empowered, thinking, I just might be able to do. I outlived someone who has never really left my thoughts or my nightmares, who I thought would be there to haunt me until the day I died. But no. I beat him! I beat him! I beat him!
My self-doubt has in a way been my comfort zone. When something scares me, I can so easily retreat back within myself, locking me up good and tight until the coast seems clear enough for me to reach out ever so slowly and let me toes test the water again. Who wants to live like that? That’s not a way to live your life. I know this, but as we all have felt in the past, knowing and doing are two completely different things. I know that I need to love myself. I know that I need to not eat that piece of chocolate. I know that I need to be healthy, work out and be active. I know all of this.
The biggest A-Ha moment for me this year so far is that I paint myself with the wrong brush. Two brushes to be exact. This was something that came up when my mother and I were having a chat. And it is so true! It clicked as soon as she said it. When it comes to my career and getting to be where I deserve, going for what I want and taking risks, I’ll do it. No holds barred. I work hard, I have been given some wonderful opportunities lately and I am grateful for them. I know that I can do an amazing job and I will do whatever it takes to get in the position I want. My brush is strong, fierce and paints beautiful colors from top to bottom of the person I am when I step into the doors of my office. When it comes to my personal life? I must have unconsciously put away that strong handled, assertive brush with all the pretty colors and replace it for a soft, flimsy, old tired brush with nothing but blacks and whites to paint myself in. Why can’t I use the same vibrant colors in my work life in my personal life? It’s like I’m two different people. Well, it’s simple. I didn’t love myself. I tried so hard, I really did. But I still carried around the shame and disgust with myself that I did when I was 8 years old. Even after forgiving him for what he did, I still held on to the blame that a child puts on themselves when they are violated. When I heard the news that this man had died, I literally felt an enormous weight life off my shoulders. It felt like I was holding my breath, gasping for air and all of a sudden I could breath in the most luxurious breathe of my life. That breath changed my thinking almost instantly.
We all have read books written by some amazing people and heard Oprah talk about loving yourself. We all are quick to think, ‘Do I love me?’ only to answer with an easy, off the shoulder, ‘Of course I do’. But do you really? Do you really love yourself through your successes and failures? It can be tough can’t it? At least it was me. Now, I am loving all of the gorgeous colors I’m seeing. Even some colors I have never seen before are appearing, and its fabulous!!
Too much time has passed where I have let others interfere with my journey. I want to be more than happy. Happy isn’t even good enough. I want to be satisfied. I want to feel satisfaction and fulfillment when I look at myself in the mirror! The days of cursing myself out while I looked at my reflection in the mirror are gone. I know I deserve more and now I really feel like it’s happening. It’s been a struggle and I still am on my journey but I am so pleased that I have this chance to pick up and keep right on going! I’m very lucky.
My wonderful and amazing friend Sabrina who happens to be one of my oldest friends, wants us to do a 5K walk/run. At first, I instinctively was against it. Remember, running the other way in the face of fear…right here, that’s was me!! But after I relaxed myself and really thought about it, I think that this is something I could really do. Obviously I would walk it. I am so far from being healthy that walking would be my only option. But, who cares. At least I would do it right? I think I just might say YES!
I recently watch an episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter where she was with Tony Robbins. One of the segments was Tony and his entire audience, walking over to a parking lot to do a fire walk over some red hot coals. Crazy right? Yah, but absolutely amazing!! Of course our Lady O did it and I can only imagine the freedom she felt when she did it! I have now added Fire Walking to my Bucket List!
…..fire walking is a metaphor for overcoming fear. Tweeted to me be Oprah herself. LOL I was tickled pink, let me tell you!!
On to new and brighter things my friends! I hope you will join me on truly living a life that portrays the authentic you! We can do this together. Sometimes it’s just knowing that others are there to steady you when you wobble that makes all the difference in the world. If you need it, I can be that person for you. We know it’s never easy, what fun would that be? Achieving peace and finally reaching the true you inside is the journey. Along the way there are hurdles big and small, scary obstacles and maybe a treacherous path but with each battle you win, you gain another ounce of strength to keep moving you forward. Let’s do this!
Until we meet again, do something with me. Instead of automatically jumping to the negative in whatever situation you are faced with. Stop, breathe. And before going down the dark path, just think of the positive light that could come of it. You just never know!
Thanks guys and gals,
Take it easy!
Misty
xo
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