I love being in a position where I can call to action any one of the life changing lessons I have learned over the course of my life. Although I always have been open to learn new things, it can be difficult for me. I do have control issues, I can admit that. I hate not being the one who is in complete control of what is going on around me. I've said before, we are all a work in progress. We all have our own journey that we are taking. Do I turn left or right? Do I keep going straight ahead or should I look back to make sure I'm in the right place? We never know until we have taken that next step if we should keep going in that direction or take a different course.
I talked in my last post about being at the ultimate classroom in the world. Oprah's Lifeclass here in Toronto. There, with the lesson being Forgiveness, I had a big Aha moment. I realized that I hadn't forgiven my father. I hadn't seen him in nearly 5 years. We did speak on the one briefly back in 2009, but that was it. After Lifeclass I figured I would do much reflection about what I had learned. Sadly, with the passing of my step dad there wasn't really time for that. But, the good thing about lessons learned is that there isn't any time limit. No expiry date. I can reflect now, I can understand it more now. However, like I mentioned, with the passing of Dougie just a few days after Lifeclass, the next two weeks were filled with pain, anguish and being the best support I could to my mom. Little did I know, that the very day after the memorial for my step dad, I would see my father.
My brother just bought a house, his first house. My mom and I were there with him along with my niece as he took his first steps inside of his new home. While I was washing a few things in the sink for him, I happened to look outside and there he was, walking towards the house. My father. I felt my stomach begin to turn. Panic was flowing through me so instantaneously I barely got out the words, 'Dad's here' to my brother. As he walked in, he paid condolences to my mother, as he should have, and then walked over to me wanting to give me a hug. A frustrating trait of my father's is and always has been, pretending that everything is okay when it so evidently is not. He hugged, I let him, honestly not knowing what to do. Panic was still coursing through me and all I could do was smile. I continued washing dishes in the sink as my brother took our father on a tour of the house. My brother, being extremely considerate, ushered him through the house as quickly as he could and brought him outside to chat, knowing how I and my mother both feel about him. Before leaving, he came back into the house to say goodbye, telling me to 'be good'. Without looking up I told him to take care. Then he left. As I saw him walking down the driveway, hearing my brother apologize to us for him showing up there, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I just wasn't prepared. After already having a draining few weeks and a particularly difficult day the day before I just wasn't ready.
Despite the fact that I was crying, that I was riddled with panic, I did hear that little voice inside my heart. Telling me it was ok. I was allowed to feel this way. I was absolutely entitled to acknowledging my damaged heart over this broken relationship. And even though I did have some anger towards myself because I was getting upset, I still knew it was ok because I have been equipped with some amazing life lessons. My head knows that I need to forgive, but my heart just isn't there yet. In time it will be, but not yet. There is so much anger and hurt that I am working through still. I know it will come, all in due time. My heart will replenish itself, I will forgive. Something else to be grateful for from Lifeclass. I'm not sure how I would have reacted seeing him without having my Oprah Armor on. I really do consider the teachings that Oprah and all of her Life Coaches have given me is my armor. As long as I wear it properly it will protect me, allowing me to fight off anything that stands in my way. Anything that comes against me, tries to hurt me, take me down. This armor is my best defense!
So the journey continues ladies and gentlemen! I'm excited to see what is around the corner!
Until next time lovies..
Misty
xo
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