I'm learning. Lately, I feel like I'm learning something new almost every day about myself. Recently, I've learnt that my wants and dreams are changing. Compared to the desires I had as a young adult in my early twenties just about to dip my toes into the real world, now things are completely different.
My outlook on what is right, not right....all changing. Even my own disapproval with myself is changing. Thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I just wasn't deserving of happiness enough. I think the things I am looking for to make me really and truly happy are new to me. Different.
I don't easily get deterred anymore either. If anything I feel more focused and I guess you can say more stubborn.
As a young 20 something, I had envisioned my adult life to be easy to come by. I think I just assumed that because I had some traumatic events happen to me as a child, that automatically put me in a spot where I should just have something good because I paid my dues so to speak. Even though my self esteem was shot, I really think that I expected good for me from others. What a rude awakening. I still believe beyond any measure that I am owed a wonderful and happy life but whats changed is my awareness that I have to work at getting that. Nothing is handed to you, no matter how many painful dues you've had to paid. As a matter of fact, you may have to fight even harder for what you want. And I'm ok with that now. I want to fight. I want to give it all I can and then some because in the end, all the fighting and struggling will make my victories that much sweeter!
The strength that I have within me is something to be admired. I know this. At times I don't allow myself to believe it because I am my own worst enemy, but deep down I know it's there. I can feel it. Even when I try to push it down, keep it out of sight so I don't have to try, it still reaches up and pokes me, letting me feel it's presence.
The course that I find myself on now is one of hurdles, obstacles, surprises around the bend and a sense of acceptance for myself. I can visualize all the goodness that I have within and match it to all of the happiness I know is out there waiting for me.
I'm grasping the concept that I alone make my dreams come true. I chose the paths I take, the direction I follow to get me to that place where I can one day sit back, kick my feet up and smile the smile that says 'I've made it. I'm here and it was all worth it.'
We all want that, don't we?
Keep fighting the good fight my lovelies!
Misty
xo
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