Mishaps happen....say that 5 times fast

I had to give my head a shake today. I obviously still am faced with quite the difficult road ahead of me and I am still learning as I go. As a matter of fact, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living this healthy lifestyle that is no longer a desire but an absolute must.

I've struggled this last week and it's scary to know that even though it is so hard and a constant struggle every day to eat the right things and exercise the right amount, that doing the opposite comes so easy and naturally to me. I wish this was not the case but HELUR!!! It is!!!

I wanted to do some baking and bring it in to the office but when I really thought about it, I knew that all of the yumminess I would bake wouldn't make it in there. I wish I could be that person who could bake cookies and only eat one or two. Leaving the rest in a container out of sight out of mind. But instead, that container consumes my thoughts. Although I am learning portion control and I have had moments of clarity with regards to a single serving of ice cream or just a taste of something sinful, I obviously still have a lot to learn here.

But these last few days it was like a snowball effect. First, the long weekend came and I allowed myself not to work out at all. that was the start. Then it was eating something I shouldn't which lead to eating more things I shouldn't which lead to yesterday eating whatever was placed out infront of me.
This week has been filled with the the sadness of a close friend of mine and her family. They have suffered a loss. Yesterday there was a gathering at her house with lots of people and lots of food. And where was I? Standing right by the food of course.
I know that I am still on the brink of my journey but I was, probably naive in hoping that I have learned enough to not put myself into a tight spot where I feel trapped and suffocated by food.

Again, HELUR!!!!! I have an addiction. I know what it's like to feel panic over food. The overwhelming consumption of it all over when will I eat again, what will I eat and how much can I have. These last few days have shown me one thing. That this is going to be an on-going battle that I must face for the rest of my life. The silver lining here is once I can grasp the handle of how to do this and what works best for me, it will be a a little more smooth sailing. Once I am able to reach a healthy course, the maintaining of that healthy course will be something that I can do in a more relaxed state of mind knowing that I have already accomplished the steepest of hurdles. However, food is something that we need to live. We need food to survive. So, sadly for me, the thing that has become such an unhealthy addiction isn't something that I can walk away from and never look at again. I have to learn how to live my life using food as a tool of sustenance instead of using it as my drug of choice looking for that next fix.

After work today, I had to do some grocery shopping. I did well and got plenty of healthy food options, however, I did buy a package of cupcakes, without even realizing, I just picked them up. As I was on my way home, it started to sink in and it occured to me what I did and what the consequences could mean for me. I knew that I needed to snap out of this funk I let myself get into this week and pick up the pace of my journey before it totally gets away from me. So what became of those cupcakes you ask? Well, I will gladly tell you! I came home, put down my bags of groceries, took the cupcakes, walked right back out the door and headed for the back of my apartment building. What's back there? The dumpsters!! And that is where those cupcakes are right now. I then came back into my apartment, put away my groceries and changed into my work out clothes because I knew that I had to get my ass on the beast to sweat out some of the crap I've let myself eat.

So tonight, after working out and eating a light dinner, after having a cool shower, because its hot as hell in my apartment, I find myself in an almost coaching state of mind. I keep telling myself that I can do this. I just need to pick it right back up where I left it off last Thursday and this it totally possible.
The most important thing for me right now is to remain positive and ensure that that infamous demon of self doubt doesn't creep in on me tonight in my sleep. So I had a mishap, we all have. But I am picking right back up and moving forward.

We can do this everyone!! For any out there who are struggling too, please know that you are not alone. this is why I am writing this blog. Because I know I'm not alone. I know that there are so many other people that have the same hurdles as I do. We can do this together!

Misty
xo

1 donut, 2 donut, 3 donut...NONE!

Cough cough sniffle sniffle. I am still under the weather however feeling better today then yesterday. I came down with a nasty cold and cough a few days ago. My mom was here visiting me for a few days over the weekend and go figure, the day she leaves I get sick. And I'm not ashamed to admit, I asked her to come back and take care of me! You guys know what I'm talkin about. Moms just know how take make the sniffles better. She didn't come back mind you....no really I'm fine, the tears dried up last night.
With having this cold I haven't had much of an appetite which could be a good thing but at the same time I know I'm not getting enough nourishment. I was a little hungry today so I did alright with eating proper meals.

Now here comes the dilemma. Since feeling a bit better today, I thought about walking up to the Tim Hortons to grab a coffee, and no sooner did that thought come into my mind, so did the thought of getting a few donuts too. Before I go any further, let me just say that I didn't. Here is where the difficulty of being a food addict comes into play. When my mind gets wrapped around something like food there are times where it is hard to let it go. I have used food as my drug of choice for many years and its not something that I can easily get past. Its going to be hard, there will always be hurdles infront of me. instead of going to booze or drugs, I just always turned to food. I actually just read an article not too long ago that said there was a study being conducted which stated that foods high in fats, sugars and carbs can potentially give you the same response in the brain that we see from drugs like cocaine. This makes total sense to me because I can see how this can lead its way into compulsive over-eating. You need to keep eating to try to reach that ultimate 'high' again. Scary I know and some of you may totally disagree with this. That's fine, I just ask that you keep an open mind. The way many of us deal with stresses are different, much like the way we each deal with addictions are different.

In normal circumstances, getting a coffee and a donut are not a bad thing. I'm not about to deprive myself completely of the things I want, but ensuring that I can maintain control is also important. As I sat on the bed, contemplating, I told myself to be real. Could I really only get one donut? Would I be satisfied with just one? And sadly, I knew the answer. I knew that I couldn't buy just one so the best thing for me to do was not go at all. If I went in there with a different mind set, then I would have been ok. But on this particular morning it wasn't an option for me.

I wonder, is this going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life? I think so. I think that I will learn as I go and my choices will become easier as I go along, however, like an addict, I will always have temptations and my job is to fight them and learn that I can overcome them.
I know that I am by no means alone in this battle. There are so many who struggle the same struggles when it comes to food. We all just have to learn what we can do to jump over the food hurdle. I just wish that it wasn't a cupcake looking back at me when I jump over it!

Because I scared myself a little this morning, I though I had better get my ass on the treadmill. I haven't been on all week on account of being sick. I stepped on today but couldn't last even a minute on account of coughing and hacking. I do feel on the rotten side that I haven't worked out all week but I know that I have a valid reason. This just makes me look forward to when I can again.....WHOA...did I just say that? I think I did. I think I am excited to climb back on the beast and give him a what for! Fingers crossed I can get back to my routine in a few days.

I'm just 1.5 lbs away from hitting my 20 pound weight loss mark. Hopefully will hit that soon and I will be sure to let everyone know!! I'm always looking for tips and healthy snack options. If any of you know of any and would like to share, please do so. I will share some of mine next time too!

Thanks guys for tuning in!

Misty
xo