Dear Friend,

How are you?  I hope these last few weeks are finding you in good spirits.  So sorry I have been incommunicado lately.  It feels as though time has been slipping by.  Just by blinking, it is already October.  I'm not sure about you, but I am asking myself where the hell this year has gone. 
How's work going?  Did you get that raise you were hoping for?  If you did, good job!  You deserve it!  If not, don't give up.  Keep fighting the good fight.  You have earned it so don't let a few set backs stop you from reaching your goals. 
As you know, I have set some goals for myself this year.  A few I have reached, some I am still striving towards.  Work is good.  I have 2 new opportunities infront of me.  I am hopeful that one of them will pan out and full time status will be mine!I feel like I have earned it and whatever this new opportunity brings it will be something that I can succeed at and show the powers that be that I am even more valuable to have around then they already think.
I'm still trying to get myself on track with this exercise thing.  I have done great this past week, however,  a combination of doing the treadmill everyday and the damp cold weather has knocked my knee out of commission.  I'm not surprised, but hoping that it gets better in a day or so.  When I get on the treadmill and crank up the tunes, I feel so amazing!! You know how Katy Perry's song Firework is a fav of mine...well.....that seems to be my go to song at the moment.  So much so that I end up replaying it 5 times for my entire workout.  Whatever gets the job done right? Hahahaha  I printed out the lyrics of the song and now have it posted on my vision board.  Did I tell you about that?  You know the vision boards that Oprah was talking about, well I made a big one and put it above my treadmill so as I am huffin and puffin I have something to look at that reminds me why I'm doing all that sweating!  So the words that I am finding most inspirational I have infront of me and proudly sing at the top of my lungs.....funny sight to see I'm aware but it feels awesome!
We can achieve what we set our minds to my friend.  I know obstacles are put in our way but just as easily as they are placed, we can kick them out of the way.  It may be a little more difficult, but the reward and feeling after you do is so worth it!  I'm not gonna say that I enjoy the hardships but I do believe that each and every one of them has made me stronger.  What do you think?  I know this last year hasn't been overly nice to you either.  I pray that you are staying firm in knowing that you are an amazing human being.  You are intelligent and caring and have a beautiful spirit. Just knowing you and having you apart of my life fills my heart with utter happiness!  I'm here for as long as you need me.  Whether to give you some advice, or opinions or just give you that ear to listen and shoulder to cry on.  You make this world a better place to live in. 
I hope in reading this, you know that you are worth it.  And yes before you say it, I know it for myself as well.  We are worth it.  We can achieve it and most importantly we deserve it!

Hope to hear from you soon my wonderful friend.

Yours truly,

Misty
xo

My new Mantra

I'm almost at the end of another 7 day detox. It's been a strain at times but looking back over these last 6 days, I feel so good about it! It was all worth it. I'm down 6lbs this week. YAY me!! I did gain a few lbs over the last few weeks but am down those plus a few more. I am now just 4lbs away from hitting the 30lb mark. Feeling awesome about that!

My main thought of focus to give me the extra pushes this week was simple. Two words. A Baby. It's what I want more than anything else in the world. So I have one year. I am giving myself one year to be healthy and fit enough to be in a position to have a child. I'm coming up to my 34th birthday in about 3 weeks. By the time 35 rolls around I want to be ready. I am hopeful that the health issues I have experienced the last few years will have cleared up and will be moving in a positive direction instead of what is happening now. At the moment, I am not able to have children. I am infertile, dealing with what has been diagnosed as PCOD. Polycystic Ovarian Disease. The specialist I have been seeing says that it is completely reversable which gives me great hope that in the end I will be able to have my hearts desire. A child of my own. The first task at hand to get a handle on this is losing weight. Hence my main motivation. If I want a baby, I must must must lose weight. I have to take better care of myself. No way around it.

I'll continue to have my struggles, that's a given. However, struggling to eat properly and fighting with myself to get on my treadmill is nothing to the absolute pain and anguish I feel inside at not having a child. Utter physical pain. I may be ambiguous to most things outside of my own realm of understanding, but if there is one aspect of myself that I know to be truer then anything, truer then the sky is blue, it's that I would be a wonderful mother. I would be present and loving. I would be a teacher and a provider guiding through all of lifes challenges. I want this so bad.

If I am in a relationship with someone and the time came to have a child, I would welcome that with open arms. If I am single, I wouldn't think twice about it, wouldn't skip a beat while on my way to a fertility clinic. If having a child ends up being something that my body won't allow, adoption would be my other alternative. This is going to happen. I believe it. I have to! I have to make this my mantra. To say over and over to myself, something to repeat as much as I need it. Ready for it? My new mantra is Baby Mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCgDgJsTR_w&feature=related

A tear jerker I know....I'm boo-hooing here too. But it's a gooder, you can't deny that!!

So my journey continues. Onward and upward. Baby Mine.

Thanks for tuning in!

Misty
xo

Times A Changin'

I'm learning. Lately, I feel like I'm learning something new almost every day about myself. Recently, I've learnt that my wants and dreams are changing. Compared to the desires I had as a young adult in my early twenties just about to dip my toes into the real world, now things are completely different.

My outlook on what is right, not right....all changing. Even my own disapproval with myself is changing. Thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I just wasn't deserving of happiness enough. I think the things I am looking for to make me really and truly happy are new to me. Different.
I don't easily get deterred anymore either. If anything I feel more focused and I guess you can say more stubborn.

As a young 20 something, I had envisioned my adult life to be easy to come by. I think I just assumed that because I had some traumatic events happen to me as a child, that automatically put me in a spot where I should just have something good because I paid my dues so to speak. Even though my self esteem was shot, I really think that I expected good for me from others. What a rude awakening. I still believe beyond any measure that I am owed a wonderful and happy life but whats changed is my awareness that I have to work at getting that. Nothing is handed to you, no matter how many painful dues you've had to paid. As a matter of fact, you may have to fight even harder for what you want. And I'm ok with that now. I want to fight. I want to give it all I can and then some because in the end, all the fighting and struggling will make my victories that much sweeter!

The strength that I have within me is something to be admired. I know this. At times I don't allow myself to believe it because I am my own worst enemy, but deep down I know it's there. I can feel it. Even when I try to push it down, keep it out of sight so I don't have to try, it still reaches up and pokes me, letting me feel it's presence.

The course that I find myself on now is one of hurdles, obstacles, surprises around the bend and a sense of acceptance for myself. I can visualize all the goodness that I have within and match it to all of the happiness I know is out there waiting for me.

I'm grasping the concept that I alone make my dreams come true. I chose the paths I take, the direction I follow to get me to that place where I can one day sit back, kick my feet up and smile the smile that says 'I've made it. I'm here and it was all worth it.'

We all want that, don't we?

Keep fighting the good fight my lovelies!

Misty
xo

A Little Sweatin' To A Whole Lotta Support

After more then a week of not working out at all on account of the disgusting heat that Toronto had looming over us, I came home today and decided to make myself do a bit more sweating. I can honestly say I did not enjoy it, not even a little bit, but after I was done I was happy and the sense of fulfilment I felt was awesome!! I'm trying to get back up on this horse and pick up where I left off. I'm gong to do my detox cleanse again. That's what got this whole thing started for me. It gave me the boost I needed.

I have some vaca time time coming up so I'm not going to do the detox just yet. I'm guessing the second week of August I will do it. Looking forward to it actually. Although it was difficult, I really and truly felt some amazing. My insides felt clean and I was noticing how much energy I had.

I think I will tweak it a bit and add some detox smoothies in there but in general still follow the same regime I did before.

A friend I work with is going to do it with me again. Like I always say, it's more fun and makes it easier when you have someone to take the steps with you! It is important to take on your journey yourself. This is, after all, your life, but if you have a friend there along side you as you take the steps to a happier and healthier life, it just makes the journey all the more enjoyable. When days are tough and you feel like you aren't making any progress, to have that added support by your side may be just what you need to pick yourself back up and carry on through.

I have an amazing friend who is my support when it comes to working out. I feel like I am accountable to her when she asks me if I'm going to hop on the beast today. Whether it be the beast, a work out DVD or some other exercises, I really think that having that person, who may be near or far, asking you what you are doing instead of if you are going to do it is awesome! I'm still have that mind set most days where I have the best of intentions but throughout the day I try and talk myself out of working out for whatever stupid reasons pops in this brain of mine. Sometimes the stupid reasons win out, but other times, when I get that text message from her or a message on twitter from my dear friend, pushing me to get my sweat on, that's all it takes. It's all I needed. So thanks my friend, you know who you are! xo

I would gladly be anybody's support should they need that perk up or voice over the phone. It only takes a minute to let someone know you are there for them and you stand by them and support each step they take. It makes all the difference in the world.
If anyone wants this detox or to follow along with me when I do it, you are more then welcome!!

Thanks for tuning in kiddos!
Take it easy!

Misty
xo

Mishaps happen....say that 5 times fast

I had to give my head a shake today. I obviously still am faced with quite the difficult road ahead of me and I am still learning as I go. As a matter of fact, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to living this healthy lifestyle that is no longer a desire but an absolute must.

I've struggled this last week and it's scary to know that even though it is so hard and a constant struggle every day to eat the right things and exercise the right amount, that doing the opposite comes so easy and naturally to me. I wish this was not the case but HELUR!!! It is!!!

I wanted to do some baking and bring it in to the office but when I really thought about it, I knew that all of the yumminess I would bake wouldn't make it in there. I wish I could be that person who could bake cookies and only eat one or two. Leaving the rest in a container out of sight out of mind. But instead, that container consumes my thoughts. Although I am learning portion control and I have had moments of clarity with regards to a single serving of ice cream or just a taste of something sinful, I obviously still have a lot to learn here.

But these last few days it was like a snowball effect. First, the long weekend came and I allowed myself not to work out at all. that was the start. Then it was eating something I shouldn't which lead to eating more things I shouldn't which lead to yesterday eating whatever was placed out infront of me.
This week has been filled with the the sadness of a close friend of mine and her family. They have suffered a loss. Yesterday there was a gathering at her house with lots of people and lots of food. And where was I? Standing right by the food of course.
I know that I am still on the brink of my journey but I was, probably naive in hoping that I have learned enough to not put myself into a tight spot where I feel trapped and suffocated by food.

Again, HELUR!!!!! I have an addiction. I know what it's like to feel panic over food. The overwhelming consumption of it all over when will I eat again, what will I eat and how much can I have. These last few days have shown me one thing. That this is going to be an on-going battle that I must face for the rest of my life. The silver lining here is once I can grasp the handle of how to do this and what works best for me, it will be a a little more smooth sailing. Once I am able to reach a healthy course, the maintaining of that healthy course will be something that I can do in a more relaxed state of mind knowing that I have already accomplished the steepest of hurdles. However, food is something that we need to live. We need food to survive. So, sadly for me, the thing that has become such an unhealthy addiction isn't something that I can walk away from and never look at again. I have to learn how to live my life using food as a tool of sustenance instead of using it as my drug of choice looking for that next fix.

After work today, I had to do some grocery shopping. I did well and got plenty of healthy food options, however, I did buy a package of cupcakes, without even realizing, I just picked them up. As I was on my way home, it started to sink in and it occured to me what I did and what the consequences could mean for me. I knew that I needed to snap out of this funk I let myself get into this week and pick up the pace of my journey before it totally gets away from me. So what became of those cupcakes you ask? Well, I will gladly tell you! I came home, put down my bags of groceries, took the cupcakes, walked right back out the door and headed for the back of my apartment building. What's back there? The dumpsters!! And that is where those cupcakes are right now. I then came back into my apartment, put away my groceries and changed into my work out clothes because I knew that I had to get my ass on the beast to sweat out some of the crap I've let myself eat.

So tonight, after working out and eating a light dinner, after having a cool shower, because its hot as hell in my apartment, I find myself in an almost coaching state of mind. I keep telling myself that I can do this. I just need to pick it right back up where I left it off last Thursday and this it totally possible.
The most important thing for me right now is to remain positive and ensure that that infamous demon of self doubt doesn't creep in on me tonight in my sleep. So I had a mishap, we all have. But I am picking right back up and moving forward.

We can do this everyone!! For any out there who are struggling too, please know that you are not alone. this is why I am writing this blog. Because I know I'm not alone. I know that there are so many other people that have the same hurdles as I do. We can do this together!

Misty
xo

You win some you lose some

I had big hopes for today. I had a job interview for an Analyst role but it just didn't go so well. This particular role ended up being way to technical and I didn't have any of the qualifications that was required. The hiring manager was great and took some time to give me some pointers and some advice on what types of things I need. There are some courses that I am looking into taking. Although it was a setback I need to stay positive. But I gotta be honest here, I did have a little melt down after the interview. I just got my hopes up.

As most people know about me I am quite emotional. Total emotional girl here! Sometimes the emotions take over before I realize it and the tears start rollin'. I just put so many expectations on myself and when it doesn't happen I feel that old monster of disappointment creep up on me again. It's almost like it's an old bad habit, hard to break free from it. I am in a good place, I feel great and really do have a bright outlook on what is to come. But for a few minutes, good ole disappointment in myself makes an appearance.

Why is that I wonder? Why does it seem to slip in there? Once I realize it's there, I kick it back out, but why or maybe how does it make its way in? My only answer to that is this. As much as living a healthy lifestyle and eating healthy and exercising is important, it's still a struggle. The physical aspect of the journey I am on is like jumping hurdles everyday. Well, the mental and emotional aspect plays a part as well. Just like I'm teaching myself to live that healthy lifestyle physically, emotionally and mentally I have to take care of myself too. It's no secret that I've dealt with some dark demons. Now comes the time where living a positive life is for both my inner and outer self. There may have been a time where I would retreat into the darkness and try to hide there for as long as I could, but that time has passed. I want to live the absolute best life I can. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to pretend that life is peachy. I am determined to find that happy life because I know that I truly and absolutely deserve it. I may still come across a few road bumps along the way but you know what? That's okay. I'm allowed to. I'm not following anyones rules here. I am making up my own rules as I go.

So, just because I didn't get this job today......I am choosing to look at it as 'No sweat' I am going to use this as another stepping stone to get me one step closer to where I am supposed to be.

I did use the frustration I felt to my advantage! When I came home from work I popped in one of my Biggest Loser workout DVD's and let it kick my ass. And I actually felt better after. You know, there might something to this exercising thing...LOL! Aside from getting out some tension, working out is letting me start to see changes in my body when it comes to clothes. I still can't see any changes looking into the mirror, but clothes don't lie. Not only was I able to wear a pair of dress pants today that I haven't been able to get over my ass since last year, a few ladies from my office made comments to me that the jeans I was wearing yesterday were too big for me! Really? Hahahaha Yay!!!! They said that the jeans were saggy in the bum. HA! How about that?!

Thanks for tuning in again boys and girls!! Keep smiling and stay on the positive track with me. I promise that it is worth it!! Doesn't it feel great?! Yah, I know!!

Misty
xo