Saying Goodbye

This post is dedicated to my step dad, Doug 'Dougie' Read who was taken from us far too soon.

We've all lost someone close to us.  A parent, a child, a spouse, cousin, friend.  There are no limitations to the pain and grief we all feel when a loved one is taken away from us.  But there are different ways to navigate through the grief for each person. 

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette

I received a call from my mom on April 18th. The call. The one that I knew would come eventually but not this soon.  Too soon.  We had found out just 5 weeks prior that my step dad was sick, with stage 4 cancer and things did not look good.  We did however try out best to remain positive, wishing, hoping and praying that time would be good to us and we would have plenty of time to spend with him before the end came.  So many things still left to do, left to say.
I couldn't help but wonder to myself.  What thoughts go through your mind when you're sitting in front of your doctor as they tell you such dreadful news?  News that must feel like echoing torture in your ears. 
In the next 5 weeks, my parents were busy with doctors appointments, going here, going there, trying to get final preparations done and out of the way so they could just focus on their time together, getting ready for that final goodbye.  Little did we all know that time itself was going to knock us down without any warning at all.
After being admitted into the hospital a few days after Easter with full blown pneumonia, things looked grim but I still had the notion of hope on the horizon that he would pull through.  Maybe a little worse for wear, but he would fight this pneumonia and be out of the hospital in a week, two weeks tops.
However, on April 18th, when I got the call, I knew things had reached critical matter and there was no turning back. No waking up from the coma he had slipped into and no leaving the hosiptal with him, bringing him home.  Hearing my mothers trembling voice on the other end of the phone saying, 'You have to come now baby. It's time to say goodbye' I slumped back into my couch, clutching my chest, feeling my heart pounding.  Is this really happening, I thought? Is my mother, really having to call me and tell me to get home, is she really telling me to prepare myself to say that final goodbye?  My heart broke right then and there, thinking about my mom and Dougie.  About their relationship, not having enough time.  Not yet, this couldn't be happening yet. 

I was there bright and early the next morning.  I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around my mom and squeeze her tight, letting her know she wasn't going to go through this alone. 
Walking into the hospital room with my mom and Kim, my step sister, I was taken back at the sight. I knew he wasn't awake and had tubes coming out from all over. But nothing can prepare you for actually seeing it.  Seeing this strong, full of life man biker man lying before me, looking frail.  No, this isn't right I thought.  This isn't fair.  When I had some time alone with Dougie, holding his hand, wiping his forehead, I got close down to his ear and whispered the things that I knew he needed to hear from me because I needed to say them to him.  I told him that it was ok.  I told him that she would be ok.  I thanked him for being the amazing man he was and for loving my mother beyond any boundries. I saw true happiness in her eyes the moment he entered her life and for that I am now and forever truly grateful.

With family coming in and out throughout the day, it was decided that the life support machines would be turned off around 4pm.  It was expected that it would happen quickly. Little did these doctor know how strong Dougies heart really was. He was a fighter right until the end.  After 10 hours of breathing on his own, his heart began to fail him.  With my mom, Kim and me by his side, he took his last breath at 2:30am.
I think it was meant to be that the 3 of us were the ones with him at the end.  We were Dougie's girls after all.  Everything was just as it should have been. Although hard to grasp and seemingly unjustifiable, this was how it was suppose to happen.  I was meant to be there, helping Dougie let go, and also being their to offer my strength and support to my mom and my sister.

The next week was a bit of a blur. Final preps for the visitation and family memorial dinner were being tended to.  After coming back home to Toronto for a few days to get things cleared up for work and grab more clothes, I headed back down to Niagara for a week to be there for my mom, helping wherever I could.  Feelings of helplessness were overwhleming at times, but I made a conscious effort to think back over the amazing LifeClass I just attended, and all the other life changing lessons I have learned over the years from my top Life Coach! It's so easy to question at times the big 'WHY' Why was this happeneing now? Why did I have to watch Dougie's parents, his daughter, his entire family go through such terrible pain? Why did I have to see my mom suffer with this unbearable greif when there was nothing I could do to make it better for her. Then it hit me. I was there to offer my strength for each one of them.  Yes, I was hurting too, and I was just as entitled to grieve along side each person.  But, I'm also equipped with a specail armor.  When you reach the acceptance to be proud of our scars, be proud of your wounds, be proud of your battles, each experience offers us the opportunity to learn. (Thank you Master Class)  Just when we all thought this final goodbye was reaching the top of the mountain, I realized that there was another mountain before us to climb. This wasn't the end, this was not a time to give up because he wouldn't want that.  We had to keep fighting.  And if I was there in that moment, being given that purpose of helping my family see just what it was I was seeing, then I was ready to take that on.  It was important to allow myself to be sad, let the tears flow, but I felt such a sense of purpose, needing to be that source of comfort for my loved ones.  We all have our roles.

Saying the final goodbye, seeing freinds and family paying their last respects and sharing laughs and tears, comprised the day for us on Monday April 30th.  Although mentally exhasusting, we made it through and I truly believe that Dougie would have been proud.  Now is a time to honor him, keep his memory alive is everything we do. 

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand." – Irish Blessing

Be sure to tell a loved one how much they mean to you today.  No day is promised to us so lets take today and make it count!

Until next time friends, thanks for tuning in.

Misty
xo

Frustrations

'The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.'
Author unknown

It's been an off day today. Work was a tad on the frustrating side with feeling like I have to fight for what I know I deserve. While in the midst of that, some pictures of myself doing some volunteer work showed up on Facebook and while the volunteering day was amazing and the group of girls I was doing it with were awesome, seeing pictures of me painting walls, bending over and looking generally terrible was not something that I wanted to see today.
I am doing my best at trying to remain positive, seeing the lighter side of things and focusing my angers or frustrations towards getting me where I want to be.
I am feeling a bit better now since being home and forcing my ass to get on the treadmill, however, I'm not gonna lie here. It was a little setback seeing those photos. I know I'm over-weight, I know I am no where near looking the way I want, so seeing that right in front of me was not a good time! Sometimes I can really disgust myself with the sight of what I have let go for so many years. And other times, it gives me the push to keep fighting in the right direction.
I do feel confident in the fact that I did come home and hoped right on The Beast (name for my treadmill). In the past, I would have come home, been grumpy and bitter and probably have stopped off at the store before coming home to get ice cream or something. The thought did cross my mind today but I didn't. I would like to think of that as a tiny victory.

I have started a workout schedule for myself. Instead of the obvious phrase, 'Go hard or go home', I am taking it easy. I need to start slow and work my way up. My goal this week is to get on The Beast 5 days straight. So, in doing this, I am going to start at minimum time and just above normal pace and work my way up. this week I am going to do 10-15 minutes on there and 5-10 jumping jacks. Next week I will increase and the week after increase again and so on and so on. I have a few Biggest Loser Work Out DVDs that I would like to try and incorporate as well.
The important thing to remember here is that there will be obvious setbacks, let downs and truck loads of frustrations to work through. The key is to not let that take me down anymore pegs. I have let that happen too much and for too long. Strength comes from within and if I have learned anything over the past few years, I have more strength inside then I ever give myself credit for.

'I don't need easy, I just need possible'
Soul Surfer

Ok friends, that's it for today. Thanks for tuning in. Know that all things are possible. I'm not the only one that can overcome adversity, so can you! Lets do it together!

Misty
xo