Lesson Put to the Test

I love being in a position where I can call to action any one of the life changing lessons I have learned over the course of my life.  Although I always have been open to learn new things, it can be difficult for me.  I do have control issues, I can admit that.  I hate not being the one who is in complete control of what is going on around me.  I've said before, we are all a work in progress.  We all have our own journey that we are taking.  Do I turn left or right? Do I keep going straight ahead or should I look back to make sure I'm in the right place?  We never know until we have taken that next step if we should keep going in that direction or take a different course.

I talked in my last post about being at the ultimate classroom in the world. Oprah's Lifeclass here in Toronto.  There, with the lesson being Forgiveness, I had a big Aha moment.  I realized that I hadn't forgiven my father.  I hadn't seen him in nearly 5 years.  We did speak on the one briefly back in 2009, but that was it.  After Lifeclass I figured I would do much reflection about what I had learned.  Sadly, with the passing of my step dad there wasn't really time for that.  But, the good thing about lessons learned is that there isn't any time limit.  No expiry date.  I can reflect now, I can understand it more now.  However, like I mentioned, with the passing of Dougie just a few days after Lifeclass, the next two weeks were filled with pain, anguish and being the best support I could to my mom.  Little did I know, that the very day after the memorial for my step dad, I would see my father. 

My brother just bought a house, his first house. My mom and I were there with him along with my niece as he took his first steps inside of his new home.  While I was washing a few things in the sink for him, I happened to look outside and there he was, walking towards the house.  My father.  I  felt my stomach begin to turn.  Panic was flowing through me so instantaneously I barely got out the words, 'Dad's here' to my brother.  As he walked in, he paid condolences to my mother, as he should have, and then walked over to me wanting to give me a hug. A frustrating trait of my father's is and always has been, pretending that everything is okay when it so evidently is not.  He hugged, I let him, honestly not knowing what to do.  Panic was still coursing through me and all I could do was smile.  I continued washing dishes in the sink as my brother took our father on a tour of the house.  My brother, being extremely considerate, ushered him through the house as quickly as he could and brought him outside to chat, knowing how I and my mother both feel about him.  Before leaving, he came back into the house to say goodbye, telling me to 'be good'.  Without looking up I told him to take care.  Then he left.  As I saw him walking down the driveway, hearing my brother apologize to us for him showing up there, tears began to stream down my cheeks.  I just wasn't prepared.  After already having a draining few weeks and a particularly difficult day the day before I just wasn't ready.

Despite the fact that I was crying, that I was riddled with panic, I did hear that little voice inside my heart.  Telling me it was ok.  I was allowed to feel this way.  I was absolutely entitled to acknowledging my damaged heart over this broken relationship. And even though I did have some anger towards myself because I was getting upset, I still knew it was ok because I have been equipped with some amazing life lessons.  My head knows that I need to forgive, but my heart just isn't there yet.  In time it will be, but not yet.  There is so much anger and hurt that I am working through still.  I know it will come, all in due time.  My heart will replenish itself, I will forgive.  Something else to be grateful for from Lifeclass.  I'm not sure how I would have reacted seeing him without having my Oprah Armor on.  I really do consider the teachings that Oprah and all of her Life Coaches have given me is my armor.  As long as I wear it properly it will protect me, allowing me to fight off anything that stands in my way.  Anything that comes against me, tries to hurt me, take me down.  This armor is my best defense!

So the journey continues ladies and gentlemen! I'm excited to see what is around the corner! 

Until next time lovies..

Misty
xo

Life Lessons

Life lessons are all around us.  If we can be perceptive enough to pick up on the subtle pokes they give us, we can learn more and more about ourselves with each passing year.  I don;t know about any of you, but the person I am today is not the person I was this time last year or 5 years ago.We change with the times and if we are truly tuned in to our inner self we can pick up even the slightest of twitches.

Oprah's Lifeclass started last week.  Each week night we can tune in to her program and let one of the greatest teachers teach us. I excitedly awaited each episode with notebook in hand waiting to hear what the latest lesson was going to I made a be and what I could get out of it.  After all, that is what lessons are all about right?  Soaking in what we learn and being able to apply it to our lives. 

The first 2 episodes were about the false power of ego and letting go of anger leading to forgiveness.  How many of us can relate to those?  Something that someone said on that first episode really resonated with me. 

'I don't think anyone can hurt my anymore.  They are only giving me their observation.  I am giving it meaning.'

I can't even say how much this is so me!  I am forever letting other peoples thoughts and opinions affect me in my life.  I have always let these words that spew out of someones mouth dictate how I can going to feel.  I don;t have to like what someone says or even agree with it.  That is there observation.  they are entitled to it just as I am entitled to my own.  When I give meaning to a comment someone says, I am in reality giving them power.  Literally handing them my own power.  I made a promise to myself a long time ago.  I will never let any person have power over me again, ever!  My own lessons learned through having the kind of father I had and living through the childhood I did.  No one was to have that kind of power over me again.  Without even realizing it, I broke my own promise to myself.  Because letting something as insignificant to my own reality as someones opinions get under my skin was just as damaging as letting an over-baring man take away my goodness and innocence.  I have re-made that promise to myself and I am going to do my best to stick to it and not let the words of others bother me again.

This lead to anger and forgiveness.

'Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.'

I 100% believe that to forgive is for you, not for the person that needs to be forgiven.  Holding on to that anger and hatred for someone or events that took place will never let you move on fully.  To forgive is not saying what happened to you is ok.  To forgive is not giving the person or persons who hurt you off with a slap on the hand.  To be the person who is in a place that you can forgive is saying that you are accepting what happened to you, you know that it can never be changed and you are strong enough to move on and move past it.  It took me awhile to get to a place where I can say I have forgiven.  It doesn't mean that I still don't.  That won;t go away entirely.  But I can say that I have moved on, accepted and don't look back wishing I can change it.
I have forgiven the neighbour who sexually abused me for 3 years.  He took away my innocence, my trust and in place of them gave me many years of self doubt and worthlessness.  By forgiving, I'm not saying it's ok, I'm saying I have moved beyond that point and I'm ok.
I have forgiven my father.  For not being there for me, for turning his back on me when I was at my most vulnerable.  By forgiving him, I'm not saying 'I want you in my life', I'm saying I have moved beyond that point and I don't need that negative influence to succeed in my future.  It still hurts knowing that my own father doesn't love me enough to want me in his life.  That hurts very much.  However, that doesn't define me.  Not anymore.  And I'm ok!

This week, I also learned that you become what you believe.  We need to pay attention to the life that we have right now.  Believe that there is a reason why we are here, now, in this moment. 

'If you can see it or believe it, it is alot easier to achieve it.'

Do you believe that you are worthy of happiness?  I know this can be a tough one for many of us.  Believing that you deserve all of your wildest dreams to come true can seem like wishful thinking, but just knowing that you deserve it is leaps and bounds better then telling yourself it will never happen, not for someone like me.  Because you know what?  I can happen!  To find your true purpose, pay attention to the life that you are leading now.  Know that you are worthy.  You allow  the truth of yourself to express yourself.  If you are a write, whether 15 people or 15 million people read what you wrote, you are a writer. 

'Shadow beliefs are holding you back from the life you deserve.  Escavate and unleash what you really believe.  If its not working for you, change it.' ~ Oprah's Lifeclass

I encourage everyone to tune in to OWN and watch Oprah's Lifeclass.  I promise that there will be at least on episode that you will be able to match to your own life and allow it to have an everlasting impact.  From what I understand, Fridays episodes that they are calling Joy Uprising will be just that.  She will go back and reminisce over previous guests and what moments really and truly were cause for a joy uprising!  For sure a feel good hour, bringing a familiar tear of gladness and joy.  I mean, honestly, just seeing my Lady O back on tv everyday is enough to bring a woot woot of joy and hours upon hours of the happy dance around my apartment.  But even more then that, to again learn from one of my most trusted teachers of life, I am inspired, in awe and in appreciation once again.  Yeah, I'm kind of a fan if you didn't know yet!

Hope you all enjoyed my latest thoughts.  Thanks for tuning in again guys and gals!

Misty

xo

                                                                                                                                      

Damaged Tools

I'm going to change things up a little for this post. Although, I firmly believe that my addiction of food and body image issues stem from what I want to talk about today.

I watched a repeat of Oprah yesterday. It was about twin sisters who were raped repeatedly over a number of years by their two older brothers and their father. It was enough to knock the wind out of you just listening to it. My heart broke for these 19 year old girls who had to endure such devastating treatment by the people in their lives that should have been their to protect them from any harm.

Child abuse takes on so many evil and dark faces it can be hard to recognize at times. It's been documented that a child is sexually abused every 13 seconds. Every 13 seconds!
As the protectors over these little ones, we need to step up and take a stand against this disgusting mistreatment of a child. We all need to open up our eyes and listen. Listen to that whisper because sometimes that's all it will take.
They are out there. And more often the not, these predators are known to their victims. They take the time to groom these children and make them feel safe, building a trusting relationship with. Then when the timing is right, they make their move.

I am a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbour. From the ages of 8 to 11, I was groomed and then abused by a man whom I thought I could trust and who myself and my parents thought I would have been safe with.
Thankfully I have gotten amazing therapy and can understand why I do and how I feel. Being abused really does change the person you might have become. It veers you on a different course. When your innocence is ripped away from you, you have no choice but to go into survival mode. Granted survival mode at that moment isn't best, but you do what you think you have to just to make it through the day.

I have this analogy. When you are born, each and every one of us are given inner 'tools'. These 'tools' are there for us to build a healthy and productive life for ourselves. When a child is abused, whether it is emotionally, physically or sexually, these tools become damaged. Then when it comes time for a child to start building their life, they have no other option but to use these damaged tools. Your entire structure is unstable and it is only a matter of time, without the proper help, that the structure comes crashing down.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

I had to forgive. Not for anyone but myself. Carrying around resentment in your heart does you no good whatsoever. Once I was able to accept my truth that there was or is nothing that could or can be done to change what happened to me, it opened up my eyes. And my heart. And so I find myself on this journey. If you have been reading any of my other posts you'll know that I have begun a weight loss journey. But that isn't the only thing I am trying to accomplish here. This is an all over body life style change, both on the outside and the inside.

My only ask to anyone who is reading this and may suspect something is this. Be attentive. Listen to that little tiny nagging feeling you may have about how a child is looking or acting. Be aware. Ask. Put yourself out there and let the child know you can listen to them.

If you yourself are currently suffering or have suffered from any type of abuse, just know that you are absolutely and 100% not alone. There are people who can help. You have endured and you are a Survivor. Welcome.

Misty
xo